Coming Back

I just found my profile. Wow I totally forgot I had this and I def did not remember my password. I will be editing my profile and changing things up. My life has changed like crazy!!!
Until next time

Peace n Love,

My Past

A race against the many demons that hold me back
Chained to my legs, and on my back tightly strapped
A marathon of what I have tried to defeat
Interacting continuously with deceit
How can I long for what I have never seen?
Who can ever want something so unclean?
Fully disarmed, fully unloaded
Stale, pale and eroded
Feasting on the maggots that crowd cumbersome limbs
Inviting their brotherly kin
With a past like mine, how can I surely begin?

Haunted by secrets as white as snow
Fully out in the open to shine and glow
But I try to cover them up so people may not know
The screams are too loud, but to humanity they remain mute
Emotions like guns; words, bullets they shoot
Tongue like venom, but only poisoning my soul
How can I forgive myself and choose to let go?
Snakes like leeches to my spirit
None come too close because they fear it
I am like leprosy from the inside out
Striving for the grace of denial I cannot live without

Tears like vinegar on a gash
The debt of my past spreading like an incurable rash
The streets call out my name
The world takes my being in vain
The people stop to stare
And shout to the rest to beware
The Richter scale breaks from the trembles of my devils
My suffering, they use to revel
As the many particles of hope releases
Biting down on my tongue as the pain increases
I grind my teeth as my bones crush into a million pieces

Hell opens up to swallow, while Heaven puts up a fight
I lay there helpless, because I have no strength to fight
Human eyes turn away so I am not within sight
No one wants to save a lost cause
They must carry on with their lives, no need for a pause
My morals burst
As my tongue begins to curse
My hands can no longer lift
Nor produce the heavenly gift
Of golden words and hopes for tomorrow
I have decided to drown in sorrow

To be continued…

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've been on. I do not do the greatest job keeping up with this whole blog thing but I do respect those who can cause I need to learn from them. Life has been crazy since I last wrote on this. After my brother Angel passed away (October 12, 2009) Life has been crazy n painful. It's crazy how it happened. My father's father passed away October 3, 2009 and then a week later my big brother dies. I only met my grandfather a couple of times, but I cried because deep in my heart I loved him. Some how I learned to love him deep inside my heart without ever meeting him. I only really have 2 memories of him. I remember him giving me some money for candy and I remember when he would sleep I would take his dentures out and play with them then place them back in his cup of water. lmao....I wish I could have met the man who gave me my last name and all the traits that go with it. I am thankful and cursed at the same time to be a Pedroza, but I know that what matters is what I make of myself and not what a last name makes of me.
My brother was born with a lot of complications including have dialysis. He passed away because he caught an infection inside and eventually he stopped breathing. It was the hardest thing I've had to deal with since I lost my foster mother to cancer my senior year of high school 2006. I don't think I will ever heal from this pain, but I have come to terms with his death. Sometimes its just too crazy to believe. I never thought he would die. I do a great job of building an unnatural world of my own, that's how I cope with things. yes I know it aint good, but hey it helps me get through.
Five days after my birthday (21yrs), my great grandmother Lucy died of a stroke. She was buried in Puerto Rico and I had not seen her since my brother's funeral. Damn I miss her like crazy. I tried making it to the funeral but I'm broke and couldn't find the money to make it, which breaks my heart all the time. I had planned to call her and talk to her before she passed but I never made the call. I feel guilty but I try not to beat myself up over that.
That's a quick summary of all that's been happening. Til later friends. <3

As I Lay Myself To Sleep

Now I lay myself to sleep
While I painfully weep
My thoughts are cluttered,
No room to count sheep

I pray to God my soul to keep
Emotions run wild and swim deep
Mascara drips blackness tears begin to seep

And if I die before I wake
I’ll know that I was never fake
I loved all; even those who did be wrong
I sit here and cry as my soul and heart aches

I pray to God my soul to take
To bring the calm to the storm because my body shakes
Lift me beyond the clouds, I ask for heaven’s sake

To You From Me

I sit here and reminisce of all the tears I’ve made shed
My depression so deep I wish I could just drop dead
Baby I never meant to hurt you, that is not what I intended to do
So now I sit in this lonely somber room crying for you
Wish I could hold you in my arms because my apology is not enough
Wish I could pave this road smooth because it might be rough
I wish that I could take back the things that I have done
Love you with all my might until we become one
I wish I could give you everything you need, but baby what can I give?
I give my sincere love; my mistakes I hope you can forgive
I know what I did was betrayal, I know you hurt deep within
The regret flows deep in my veins and crawls deep within my skin
I try to break free from this beast that is trying to destroy who I truly am
I sit here breathless, don’t know what else to say but damn
I messed up; I dug myself deeper into a hole
But my love for you will not allow me to let you go
There have been difficult times, but who said love was light
I hold you and this love with all my might
When you fall I will pick you up and hold you up high
When you cry I will be there to wipe the tears from your eyes
I was thoughtless, baby please forgive me
Do not lock your heart; I want to possess the key
I know this will move you a few steps back
But understanding is what I lack

I want to understand you; I don’t want to hurt you
I promise to be more aware of the things I do
With every unspoken word, I grow weak
So baby I understand if you do not want to speak
Just know that I love you

Let the morning’s light greet you with grace
Let the rays warm your beautiful face
Let the clouds anoint you and console
Let Mother Nature reach deep into your soul
Let the green show you its pigment of glee
And hold this poem close to your body, as if it were me
Let each word be pronounced in depth
Let each rhyme take away your breath
Hold each syllable in the tip of your mouth
Devour it all don’t permit even a drop to pour out
Let the temple gently kiss your mind
Make love to every poetic line
Don’t feast on only one, but more and more
As they passionately settle in the depths of your core