My Jami and her OCD

I was looking for Jami because she likes to be Miss little independent and wonder in the stores and I found her in the shoe aisle organizing the shoes. I had to record it and laugh like crazy because she reminds me of myself. I tend to organize things because I think I have some OCD problems but I wouldn't consider it a problem I love being organized. My scheduling and life could use more organizing...lol

My Nichi

My Brother Luis:

I truly and absolutely love my brother Luis with all my heart. He is an amazing person and I am who I am today because of him. He has taught me how to fight, appreciate art, love and fear God, survive in life, etc. He has taught me so much about people and about myself and the world. He is an artist and a poet. His art work is amazing and is poetry is heart felt. He has written four books about a wolf character named Night Wolf. It's a real good book and I hope one day people will be privileged to read it the way I have been. He's my inspiration to be successful and defeat the poverty curse.

An Intro To My Life:

My name is Felicita Angelica Pedroza (Soto by my mother). I got my name from my great great abuela Felicita who was an amazing angel. I was born in New Haven Ct and raised throughout the inner cities of CT including living in Rochester New York for some time. I have two older brothers, Angel and Luis and an older sister, Maria. My mother was a single mother until we were taken away by DCF (Department of Children and Families). I have been in the system since I was born and in foster care since the age of eight. I am a transfer student from High Point University in North Carolina and would rather not count Sacred Heart in Ct because I was only there for a week before I dropped out...lol. I grew up in the Pentecostal church but have gone on a different path. I still believe there is a higher being such as God and try my best to be a Christian. I love Poetry with all my heart. Poetry is my second love and God my first. I want to be a social worker and help the homeless, addicts, and troubled youth. I have a passion for motivating people because I know what the oppressed are capable of if they dig deep into their depths. I've lived in a lot of "ghetto" neighborhoods and some time in the suburbs. I think I know how to survive in both...lol. I rep Hill Side hard core but I think I rep Poetry even more. I look up to my second oldest brother Luis who's an amazing poet and artist. I love my family with all my heart despite all that they have put me through and continue to put me through. I have two beautiful nieces who have stolen my heart, especially my younger niece Neishaliz who is also my goddaughter. I love music so much. I love to dance but I just love blasting the music real loud. I love everything from gangsta rap like Tupac to country like Reba. I am a real honest person and I speak my mind a lot, maybe too much. I have been teaching myself how to tame my tongue because I rather not get into trouble. I love meeting new people. I just love being at a random place and meeting a stranger and building something so strong that could possibly last a long time. I like children but I rather be surrounded by youth. I love babies. I can't change diapers but I love to observe them and I love when they laugh and smile. I can't stand a crying baby because it shatters my heart into a million pieces. I love the laughter of children. My biggest dreams is basically to become a known poet. I don't need the money and the fame I just want to be known and appreciated for my true deep words. I go to Messiah College and although I had two bad semesters, I have met the most amazing people ever. I love the people there because their hearts are so pure and God loving. I have a lot of best friends because I tend to call a lot of people my best friends. I just love having great friends to love and love me back. I love the beach but I can't stand the sand in my nails and I hate the beaches in CT. I love going to the beach at night and I can't swim that great...lol. I love to rap and write poetry. I love singing but I'm not good at it. I love acting and acting a fool. I love to make people laugh and cheer them up. I used to love going to church but church at Messiah is not what I would want to spend a couple hours at so therefore I'm on chapel probation..hahha. There's a lot to write about myself and my experience growing up. I've been through a lot and I think that my story will reach someone and change their life the way it changed mine.

Life Doesn’t Care

It seems so crazy how life can just give us breath than take it away
We wake up to breath air, and then we’re gone the next day
I try to be friends with life; maybe he’ll give me a chance
I try to cheat in life, see if I can take a glance
I am blinded by false dreams and misfits
I try so hard but sometimes I am inclined to quit

It hurts when you’ve lived a broken dream for so long
You look for new strength but there is no way to be strong
Even Moses had his problems but God was always there
I find myself in a desert; why is he not here?

Everyone wants to say they are there for you, but it’s all false
You gain without them; who cares if you lose it; it’s your loss
I like to sit back and maybe wish, knowing it to never come true
Hope that life can take me away from the grim and dew
But who knew

Life doesn’t give a fuck about you; it’s a win or lose
In this life we get used and abused
Trust no one; bend over so they can kiss your rare
Always know that life is not your friend
He doesn’t fucking care

The Last Breath may actually be your first:

Just when you think you want to give up and take the easy way out, angels come to your rescue. Just when you feel that you are ready to take your last breath, little do you know that may be your first breath to a new start, a new day, a new chance to take what you have in your possession and run with it and make the best of it. Life is more complicated than a maze a puzzle or even more difficult than understanding the Bible. Life is like a game. We are all in this but with a different motive and we all have different powers. Some have the power to reach the poor, some have powers to make the weak strong with just a couple of words and others have the power of laughter. We are all in this game and there is only two ways out. First, God gives and he can take away. One way to get out of this game is a free ticket to heaven if there is a heaven, but if the ticket is to a place where there is only the absence of God then how well did that person play his/her game? The second way is suicide. God has given us free choice. We are free to choose whatever we can on this earth. We can choose to serve him, we can choose to not. We can choose to die because we are able to take our own lives away in just a couple seconds. The game is not comprehendible. The game is not for us to figure out at all. The game is for us to survive. It’s for us to gain points by all the good we do and never to surrender. Our purpose is easy. We live to praise the master. We are not our own but slaves to his majesty; slaves in the most beautiful and liberating way. I know that sounds a bit crazy but think about it. Speaking in harsh Pentecostal terms (with no offense to anyone who is of the Pentecostal church or belief), we surrender all our wants that are not his and we fully serve him the way we are suppose to in order to gain the riches of heaven and eternal happiness. If we choose not to then we are condemned to hell to suffer for eternity. So the game is more complicated than just figuring out our purpose that God has for us. The purpose is simpler than we make it to be. The bible states that we are to live the way Jesus lived and to seek perfection. That’s our purpose and this life is more than a game it’s a test every second. The mighty man is sitting at his throne watching us and he makes his moves when he wants to. We’re a show for him with all due respect to the man up there. He’s a smart man and he knows that the only purpose is to fulfill his will and his will is basically to receive praise from all of humanity.
I know I’m all over the place but these are just my thoughts for the day. Before you ever think life is too hard to continue just know that every second and every day is worth it even if it’s the most horrible day, night or life. We choose our actions. If we suffer from what we have chosen then there is no reason to blame anyone else. God has done nothing but watch us and over us. He is not to blame.
Just when you think you want to take your last breath, it’s worth that last breath to become your first because just when you’re ready to part from this earth your whole life flashes before you and all those you love and loved voices clog up your ears and their faces fill our memory. There is nothing more beautiful than having your life reflect in front of your eyes because all the good flashes and all the bad disappears (at least that is for some, maybe not for all).
That last breath can be a start to a new chance to correct all the wrong that was done. So take that last breath and make it your first to a new beginning.

Why Do We Hurt Those We Love?

I could never fully understand why we hurt those we love. What occurs within ourselves that allows us to hurt those we truly love? I have been one to hurt those I truly love and I have recently hurt the person I adore and love the most. I have no excuses and I don’t know what had the power to possess me and allow me to do something so evil that affected not only myself but the person I love. I have regretted so much in my life. I have done so many things I told myself as a child I would never do and today I reflect upon my life and I regret doing all that I thought I could avoid doing. I have consumed alcohol under the legal age, smoked marijuana, stolen, lied, vandalized property, smoked cigarettes under the legal age, fornicated, made fun of people, bullied children, cheated, etc…but one thing I ask for is forgiveness to all those I have hurt or deceived.
I have no excuse for the wrongs I have done or ways to make it better but to not repeat it again. I have contacted the people that I felt needed apologies from me and I will continue to apologize no matter how big or how small my sin was towards them. I thought that at this point in my life I would have figured it all out and I would have grown from the sorrowful past that haunts me, but truth is I have slipped and fallen on my face. At this point in my life I am more lost than I have ever been. I am not happy with the person that I am and I am not happy with where my life is at this point.
I want to humble myself at the feet of Jesus and surrender to God and all those I loved and continue to love to apologize for any wrong that I have done.
I want to greatly apologize to that one person I hurt the most. Know that I love you so much and I will never do anything so evil and selfish to hurt you, myself or what we have or had ever again.

Visit with Leah

I can truly say that God has blessed me with some of the most amazing angels that have taken a trip to earth. I have met amazing people at Messiah College. I never thought that in my whole entire life I would meet these angels and be at a state of bliss with these friends. One of the most amazing people that I would name now is Leah Deputy. A lot of people probably don’t know her as well as I do and I would recommend for people to take the opportunity to get to know her. She has been a faithful and loyal friend to me through the roughest times in my life to the calmest. She has been one of the greatest supports and motivations in my life as well. Leah is one of my best friends and I definitely know that we will be friends until death separates us. But until that day comes I will enjoy her and live it up with her.
This past semester Leah was studying in Philly so she and I made sure that we kept in contact and we visited each other. First of all, who wouldn’t go to Philly especially is Leah is there?...lol. And second, who wouldn’t visit me?!..jk…lol.
In June Leah came up to see me in Harrisburg and we had an amazing time. I am new to Harrisburg to we spent most of the time in downtown by where I live and we went on a bike ride down to Italian Lake, which is now one of my favorite parks. It’s so beautiful, filled with trimmed bushes, lily pads, water, flowers, etc.

Magazine Model

I wrote this poem about four years ago when I was in Broken Bridge Writing Workshop. This is for all the women who are not "models" but are beautiful no matter what.


Magazine Model

Am I suppose to look like that
Model on the front page of a magazine
Where every bone on her body is seen
Thin lips
No hips
Skinny as a tooth pick
What is her trick?

Salad, then vomit what she ate
This peer pressure I hate
Having to count calories and fat
How can a teen live like that

I’m supposed to walk around
with my breasts as big as melons
But instead they look like lemons
Every bone on my body is suppose to show
In order for me to glow
My thighs are suppose to be as thick as my thumb
I can only fit in crumbs
Or nibble on crackers
Every time I see that Parris Hilton
I want to smack her

“My love handles are out of control
I’m not beautiful cause I have rolls”
Saying it’s disgusting to have a big rare
The perfect model is a size zero and blond hair

When I am served a plate of rice
I gotta count every grain
I rather be fat then have no brain
This world makes me sick
Saying I ain’t good enough cause I’m thick
Men love my rare and my curves
So don’t be checking me out so soon
Only if you’re the mirror in my room