My Past

A race against the many demons that hold me back
Chained to my legs, and on my back tightly strapped
A marathon of what I have tried to defeat
Interacting continuously with deceit
How can I long for what I have never seen?
Who can ever want something so unclean?
Fully disarmed, fully unloaded
Stale, pale and eroded
Feasting on the maggots that crowd cumbersome limbs
Inviting their brotherly kin
With a past like mine, how can I surely begin?

Haunted by secrets as white as snow
Fully out in the open to shine and glow
But I try to cover them up so people may not know
The screams are too loud, but to humanity they remain mute
Emotions like guns; words, bullets they shoot
Tongue like venom, but only poisoning my soul
How can I forgive myself and choose to let go?
Snakes like leeches to my spirit
None come too close because they fear it
I am like leprosy from the inside out
Striving for the grace of denial I cannot live without

Tears like vinegar on a gash
The debt of my past spreading like an incurable rash
The streets call out my name
The world takes my being in vain
The people stop to stare
And shout to the rest to beware
The Richter scale breaks from the trembles of my devils
My suffering, they use to revel
As the many particles of hope releases
Biting down on my tongue as the pain increases
I grind my teeth as my bones crush into a million pieces

Hell opens up to swallow, while Heaven puts up a fight
I lay there helpless, because I have no strength to fight
Human eyes turn away so I am not within sight
No one wants to save a lost cause
They must carry on with their lives, no need for a pause
My morals burst
As my tongue begins to curse
My hands can no longer lift
Nor produce the heavenly gift
Of golden words and hopes for tomorrow
I have decided to drown in sorrow

To be continued…

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've been on. I do not do the greatest job keeping up with this whole blog thing but I do respect those who can cause I need to learn from them. Life has been crazy since I last wrote on this. After my brother Angel passed away (October 12, 2009) Life has been crazy n painful. It's crazy how it happened. My father's father passed away October 3, 2009 and then a week later my big brother dies. I only met my grandfather a couple of times, but I cried because deep in my heart I loved him. Some how I learned to love him deep inside my heart without ever meeting him. I only really have 2 memories of him. I remember him giving me some money for candy and I remember when he would sleep I would take his dentures out and play with them then place them back in his cup of water. lmao....I wish I could have met the man who gave me my last name and all the traits that go with it. I am thankful and cursed at the same time to be a Pedroza, but I know that what matters is what I make of myself and not what a last name makes of me.
My brother was born with a lot of complications including have dialysis. He passed away because he caught an infection inside and eventually he stopped breathing. It was the hardest thing I've had to deal with since I lost my foster mother to cancer my senior year of high school 2006. I don't think I will ever heal from this pain, but I have come to terms with his death. Sometimes its just too crazy to believe. I never thought he would die. I do a great job of building an unnatural world of my own, that's how I cope with things. yes I know it aint good, but hey it helps me get through.
Five days after my birthday (21yrs), my great grandmother Lucy died of a stroke. She was buried in Puerto Rico and I had not seen her since my brother's funeral. Damn I miss her like crazy. I tried making it to the funeral but I'm broke and couldn't find the money to make it, which breaks my heart all the time. I had planned to call her and talk to her before she passed but I never made the call. I feel guilty but I try not to beat myself up over that.
That's a quick summary of all that's been happening. Til later friends. <3